It is so crazy to me that I have reached the end of my first year in college! It has been a crazy wild year. Here’s a short look into what I’ve done:
- Joined a sorority
- Made a sitcom with my best friends
- Joined an a cappella group
- Worked on 6 short films
- Published a book of poems
- Wrote 2 plays ! Wow
- Released my third EP
- Ran a half marathon
- Was a lyricist for a movie-musical project attempting to win an Oscar
- Was nominated for best supporting actress for Carolina Film Association (lol)
I’m sure there are so many other things I’ve missed. But it has been a busy year (as you can tell). I have grown an incredible amount and feel the need to share a little bit of it to give some closure on this first part of my Carolina journey.
I remember my first semester feeling so lonely – a commonality amongst first years. It was tough; it felt like every conversation I had was just a bouncing back and forth of little facts about one another. I would talk about myself, they would talk about themselves, but oh it’s my turn again. I didn’t feel like I was learning anything of importance about people – I didn’t feel like any of my friendships/relationships had any depth. I joined a sorority, which was my lifeline first semester, but still felt like an outsider in the Carolina community. I tried so hard to get my name out there, to feel important, to feel known and wanted and loved.
Second semester I thought I’d finally figured it all out – I joined an a cappella group (Tar Heel Voices is honestly the best thing that has happened to me), I started doing things that were directly related to my major, had really found my group of friends, became known in the arts community, and had a somewhat hopeful love life. BUT I STILL FELT SO EMPTY AND CONFUSED. What the heck Lizzy! I remember yelling at myself, you have everything right now, you’re doing so much! Why are you not happy? Why do you always have to ruin things for yourself? Why can you not forgive yourself for past mistakes and be proud of what you’re accomplishing now?!?
Around Spring Break I felt really down, like scarily so. I truly did not feel like I was in my body or even really experiencing life around me. I cried so much and wanted to just sleep all day. I had no motivation to participate in any of the cool projects I was working on. I started skipping classes, not doing my work, and feeling fairly worthless. (You can see evidence of this in my past posts). I thought, hey maybe the anxiety medication I’ve been on has just worn out, maybe I’m just really anxious and wearing myself out! Right? It has to be an easy fix.
But then spring break was over, and suddenly I was awake again. I would stand on my balcony at 2 a.m listening to the birds chirping and crying because I was so happy! It was amazing to feel like myself again. That had to be good right? How could happiness be unhealthy?
That’s when we discovered I had a bit of a mood issue. My extreme highs and lows were really dangerous and super harmful in my overall ability to function. So, I was put on a mood stabilizer and thrown back into the wild. I always feel more comfortable with diagnoses, so I was thankful to finally understand why some months I was over-the-moon happy and why other times I felt too depressed to even function. It’s nice to know I’m not just all over the place, but I have an actual diagnosable issue that can be managed.
It’s still hard, I feel like I’m battling my mind a lot. But no worries, I’m a good fighter. I am incredibly proud of all I have accomplished this year and cannot wait to kick butt in the following three years!
Next stop – CAMP!