An Attempt To Dissect Pain

I want to write. Desperately. But have hit a severe road block in the form of a brick wall, so I’m not entirely sure what this will be quite yet.

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sunset outside my suite home

There are a few things I’ve been asking myself lately: Why do we hurt? Could I potentially sneak a fully grown cat into my dorm? How do you fall out of love with someone? Let’s take these bad boys one by one.

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Why do we Hurt?

Which great Ship on the Milky Way decided she ought to shoot a cannon ball Down
TO those tragic beings believing they are the one and only.

I’d like to think Pain helps us build armor, and one day we will be invisible to the hurt. But I am aware of the childish nature of that belief. (Not nearly as childish as my featured drawings)

That feeling of hurt and emptiness never entirely goes away. It doesn’t come in waves either; it runs through our blood, pumping at varying degrees as time goes on, but always present. It takes practically nothing to be reminded of that detestable buzz, the one we often become too used to.

Last night I sat in my car, for close to an hour, listening to a very sad playlist made by a very sad situation. It was around the half hour mark when 6 called me, look 6 you’ve made a reappearance in the blog, he told me it seemed like I needed a friend. I hated how right he was. As much as I like to appear strong and confident, I recognize that I absolutely cannot do it all. He told me to stop listening to sad music, but the music isn’t all sad. It is beautifully melancholic. It makes the sadness seem worth it, in order to feel the true depth of the song.

Public Apology To Whoever I Have Hurt In This World: Now that I know what that is truly like, I am so terribly sorry. I would never want to cause this electricity to run through someone’s veins. I hope some day you find it in you to forgive me, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

For the sake of not freaking out any of my suitemates, I will leave my question of the sneaking-cat-complications up to the readers for answering. 

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How Do You Fall out of Love With Someone?

This is a truly tricky one. I have not, and doubt I will, find the answer. I’m not asking for myself, every person I’ve ever loved, I continue to love. It’s exhaustingly glorious, so I’m not planning on changing my nature anytime in the near future.

I’m asking more so from an outside perspective, mostly because I don’t understand how others fall out of love. I never understood how anyone could fall in love with someone – put themselves through the absolute wreckage of loving – and somehow manage to stop. It’s odd to think about. How can one go from loving something so much to pretending as if said thing no longer has a place on one’s bookshelf. What an absolutely wild concept.

As someone quite young and unexperienced in this realm, I will continue to search for answers. Shall keep you updated on my adventure. Hoping this heart grows bigger with each one I love, instead of shrinking with each one I give pieces to.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

YOU CUT MY HEART
10/16/18 2:48 a.m

My bed smells of kissing you
One and Two
Three and Two

It dances around this messy room
One and Two
Thoughts of you

And the other ones just don’t get me
One, Two, Three
Four to Three

But they’ll still spill their hearts on the balcony
One, Two, Three
Does he think of me

Perhaps I’m in love with broken charts
Five till Start
Three till Start

Maybe one day love’ll tear my soul apart
Five till Start
Already broke my heart

An off step waltz for the offset soul
You’re all alone
Brain made of foam

Don’t dare pick the book that makes him Whole
You’re all alone
He’s on his phone

Three and Two
Thoughts of you
Four to Three
Does he think of me
Three till start
Already broke my heart
Brain made of foam
Get off your phone.

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